As you’ve likely figured out by now, I like sharing fun stories along with the recipes from my sordid past. This is a good mix.
The name “Bulletproof Cheesecake” has nothing to do with content or ingredients, but rather its delivery method when I was in college up at Buffalo “Buff” State in New York. My mother would make these Michelin-star cherry cheesecakes and my father would pack them so well, that they could be shipped 485 miles to arrive perfectly intact and edible (naturally, staying inside the “returnable” spring ring-pan helped).
Bearing no signs that the postal workers threw it under their respective trucks to test its tensile strength, each package was wrapped tight. My father’s wrapping job was insanely meticulous; I’d always have to spend a great deal of time cutting through layers of fiberglass reinforced tape, large bubble wrap and heavy-duty aluminum foil to uncover that tart cheesy-cakey goodness.
I believe that wrapping was literally bulletproof – any caliber under 50mm would have bounced off – hence the name. God bless the USPS in those days, they delivered the goods righteously. And when that cardboard box arrived (marked THIS SIDE UP) I never experienced the Amazonian crushed delivery disappointment of a badly bruised package that I know now.
As for what was inside, a Pavlovian trigger always went off when that box arrived. I could taste the TLC my dear mum added to the mix.
The actual recipe was adapted from a Swedish family, our neighbors in Greenvale, Long Island. In those days, once a great recipe was shared during a block party it went up and down the street (I guess you could say it was the equivalent of going viral in today’s world). When I lived in Wynwood, I would occasionally throw my own version of a block party for the neighbors and friends in the area, such as “Weenie Wednesdays” or “Hot Dog Thursdays.” My fave recipes were for marinated skirt steak and sticky chicken wings – I’m thinking they’ll be next month’s column – the marinade made with a seasoned mojo that’s my forte.
This cheesecake adaptation/transcription is from my mom’s handwritten notes, tucked into a back page of an old cookbook I inherited. Reading her old school European script is delightful. Her calligraphy was masterful.
The cheesecake will speak (and taste) for itself. The funny thing is, one of its ingredients goes back beyond those block parties of the 1960 and ’70s. Until now, have you ever heard of Junket Danish Desert? That is some serious old, old school stuff! (Quick honey … turn the crank in front of the car.)
I finally found it online and bought a few extra boxes as well. God bless Amazon Prime. But come to think of it, now
that I am “woke” to stereotypes, should one apply cancel culture to this product? If we can ax Dr. Suess, what about this “Danish Dessert,” labeling a whole country as raspberry-loving folk? The implication that this dessert is Danish and ass-sumes all Danish people like raspberry based desserts? Does this mean that raspberry lovers must possess Danish DNA or a mandate from Copenhagen? Not on my watch.
Still, the packaging looks about 50 years old, too. The cheesy illustration is as timeless as the red dye #50 it’s made with. Even the copy on the back: “tastiest pudding this side of Europe.” Who writes stuff like that anymore? The only thing new on the box is the genetic engineering warning, the tainted equipment warning, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. When did food become so legally tangled up – even when it’s some sugary-based starch more than 65 years old? Is sugar not sugar anymore? Just use this stuff and be happy (no substitutions).
So. I can give you the recipe, and take some great photos, but let me say this: Freshly served Bulletproof Cheesecake could halt world conflicts, cease Red-Blue political discord and make even the most antagonistic Karens apologetically smile. Maybe it’s the buttery cracker crust, or the “Danish” raspberry desert? I just know that I will spend the rest of my life trying to duplicate that “made by Mom” taste and come close but never duplicate it. Once you enjoy the last crumbs and lick your plates clean, you’ll be smellin’ what I’m tellin’. Mange tak! (That’s Danish for “thank you,” for the uninitiated.)
BULLETPROOF CHEESECAKE
Prep time: Approximately 2 hours + 3-4 hours chilling time
Serves: As many hungry people that can get a reasonably decent slice three fingers wide!
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(Sid Hoeltzell © Miami 2022)
Gathering up the ingredients.
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(Sid Hoeltzell © Miami 2022)
Drain those cherries, but save the juice!
INGREDIENTS
For the graham cracker crust:
· 14-ounce box graham crackers, to yield about 2 cups ground
· 1/2 cup brown sugar
· 1 stick sweet butter, melted (This ain’t no fat-free extravaganza – it’s old school, and that means butter.)
· 1 egg, beaten
· 1 ounce water
For the cherry cheesecake topping:
· 2 cans (14 1/2 ounces each) tart pitted cherries, drained well (I’ve found it takes about 1 1/2 cans to properly cover a 10” cheesecake, so that there is plenty of cherry tartness to tickle the tongue. Save the juice and use it in place of water for making the Danish dessert!)
· 1 cup sour cream
· 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
· 3 teaspoons sugar
· 1 box Junket Danish Dessert
For the cheesecake:
· 32 ounces regular cream cheese, softened (Don’t use the whipped stuff!)
· 1 cup sugar
· 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
· 14 ounces sour cream
· 1/8 teaspoon salt
· 4 eggs, room temperature and beaten
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(Sid Hoeltzell © Miami 2022)
Force crushed grahams through a colander to get fine crumbs.
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(Sid Hoeltzell © Miami 2022)
That’s a mighty fine crumb.
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(Sid Hoeltzell © Miami 2022)
You can use a rocks glass (once you empty out the Scotch) to firmly press down crumbs into the pan and “shore up” the sides.
PREPARATION
· To make crust, pulse graham crackers in food processor until crumbly but not too fine; you can also have that Zen-exercise moment and crush the heck out of them in the bags they were packed. After the big crush, force crackers through a colander to get fine crumbs.
· In large bowl, combine crumbs, sugar and melted butter until you achieve a moist “sandy” mix; add beaten egg and water to bind that up real well.
· Add crumb mixture to a 10″ springform pan; flatten out over bottom and build up and pack the sides at least 3 inches high. You can use a rocks glass (once you empty out the Scotch) to firmly press down crumbs and “shore up” the sides.
· Pre-bake crust at 375ºF about 6-7 minutes – do not bake to brown, just to get firm; set aside and let cool.
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(Sid Hoeltzell © Miami 2022)
Mixing up that creamy cheesecake “batter.”
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(Sid Hoeltzell © Miami 2022)
Leave enough room for the sour cream-cherry topping.
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(Sid Hoeltzell © Miami 2022)
Bake until ever-so-slightly golden brown, with a side of wiggle.
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Nestle those tart cherry treats atop a pillowy layer of sweetened sour cream.
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(Sid Hoeltzell © Miami 2022)
Prepped and ready for the “Danish Dessert” topping.
· To begin cherry cheesecake topping, drain 1 1/2 cans cherries in a sieve, reserving the juice; set aside. Then combine one cup sour cream, 1 teaspoon vanilla extract and 3 teaspoons sugar; mix well and set aside.
· To make cheesecake, in large bowl with hand mixer or in stand mixer, blend cream cheese until soft and creamy; add sugar and slowly mix again until soft – do not overmix or you’ll get air bubbles! Add 1 teaspoon vanilla extract, 14 ounces sour cream, and salt; blend well, scraping sides of bowl to really mix in all that goodness. On low speed, slowly incorporate eggs into cream cheese mixture.
· Pour cheesecake “batter” into cooled crust and bake approximately 75 minutes at 325ºF in center of oven; check for rising edges of cake and a slight wiggle when shaken – there should barely be a slight browning of the top skin; remove from oven and let cool.
· Pour/spread sour cream mixture over top of cheesecake and set in fridge 10 minutes to chill out a bit.
· Place drained cherries over sour cream topping with the delicacy of diffusing a nuclear warhead – don’t let those babies drown in the lake of cream – be gentle.
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(Sid Hoeltzell © Miami 2022)
Thick, properly cooked “Danish Dessert” is the final ingredient.
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The big pour!
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(Sid Hoeltzell © Miami 2022)
Final look outside the spring ring, cherries look great!
· Prepare Junket Danish Dessert according to instructions, but in place of only water – and here’s the secret – use reserved cherry juice instead, adding enough water to end up with 1 2/3 cups liquid. Over medium heat, prepare mix on stovetop in small saucepan as directed; bring to a full boil and allow to cook for one minute, only(!); when cooked properly, mix becomes translucent and thick – that’s the key to sealing the top of the cheesecake.
· After one minute (I am not kidding!), remove from heat, cool to warm and pour evenly edge-to-edge over cherry topping on cheesecake.
· Refrigerate two hours and then dig into the Bulletproof Danish Dessert Tart Cherry Sour Cream Cheesecake – BDDTCSC for short.