Have you ever seen two squirrels fight?
I know – it’s such odd imagery, but as a landlocked kid from Texas, these little animals were at times my entertainment.
Think about it. Their little twitchy tails do a dance-like tussle until one of them prevails in getting away, preferably with the prize of an acorn.
Sometimes, this is what parenting feels like. Sometimes, this is what our spouse or partner relationships look like. Sometimes, this is just what good old conflict feels like. Two people with different but comparable approaches to conflict feels like an even tussle.
Other times, it’s like predator and prey – and which one is which is a coin toss.
In any case, we all have default styles of approaching conflict. We engage with different people and different circumstances in different ways, but there is still a default that we lean toward. As the fall shift is settling in, let’s look at four conflict styles and examine how conflict can be addressed in our families and various circles of everyday life.
Competitor This conflict style simultaneously looks for the offensive and defensive positions – full-court press, because winning is the goal. It’s easy to see the negative slant of this style but it is vital in instances of great danger or justice. If a car is going to hit a toddler and he or she won’t listen, that is a conflict that you must win. Competitive style is the most appropriate! Nevertheless, with this style, winning is the goal.
Compromiser This is the most glorified conflict style. It seems to be the way we think we should aim to engage in every situation. It’s the posture of looking for ways for both parties to win some and lose some. Although it’s easy to find great examples of compromise in conflict, what would a negative use of this style be in conflict? What type of conflict would you not want the other person to compromise with you on, even if it is to protect your feelings? Think about that for a bit before you read on.
Hmmm … definitely food for thought.
Accommodator This style can be the most frustrating to our more assertive styles of conflict. It can seem like the person who uses this approach does so to achieve a reduction of tension, enabling the other person to get what they want to return to the “feeling” of peace. Again – like all conflict resolution styles – this can be positive or negative. Sometimes we need to accommodate the man holding you at gun point demanding your purse and keys, whereas other times it’s harmful in the long run to keep accommodating a toddler throwing a tantrum. Like all styles, it is needed, but we must be mindful of how we use it.
Avoider Lastly, we have our final style, the one that’s the least assertive. This style pulls away from tension and chooses isolation in hopes that the tension will die down and go away. This conflict approach gets a bad rep as well, but also must be used appropriately. Take a moment and think for yourself about when it may be appropriate to avoid. Take your time.
Each of these four types gives a glimpse of different necessary ways to deal with conflict, showing how it can be healthy or harmful.
Maybe you’re the Avoider, hoping it goes away. Or are you the Competitor, ready with each point of your case on how the conflict at hand should be resolved in your favor?
Maybe you’re the Accommodator. You know that if the other party just gets what they want, the “feeling” of being at peace will return. The answer to a two-year-old's temper tantrum at Publix is to give in, right? Or perhaps you’re the Compromiser, who knows how to tackle your own version of World War II and deescalate the tension by splitting the spoils of war right down the middle.
Did you pick your top one? Did you pick the top style for 2-3 people close to you?
It may be hard, but try to settle on one.
Got it?
Okay, there is something I really want you to remember.
No matter what you chose – you are supposed to have conflict. Conflict is a good thing and an indicator of passion, even in the parenting of your toddler or teenager.
Now, what you’re passionate about and how it’s expressed are topics for another day – ha!
What we are challenged with is not the existence of conflict, but how to successfully navigate through it and be aware of the styles of those we are close to.
In our roles within our relationships, I believe that we can be both advocates and defenders. We can advocate and defend ourselves, our families, our dreams and so much more. But when that conflict arises in our parenting and relationships, what are we defending?
If we only defend ourselves, we leave the vision for our families out to dry. If we only defend our emotions, cultural preferences or traditions, we leave the bigger picture out of the center of our gaze.
September is here, school rush is on and uncertainty is everywhere – now more than ever, an unbelievable as that is. Conflict will be present in many different colors. The question is, what big picture will you fight for?
Diamone Ukegbu is a local Little Haiti artist, creative, mom and wife.