I quit! Or maybe Thom fired me? Then I quit again and he fired me again.
I reminded him it wasn’t my idea to raise three kids and work. I’m sure he reminded me of some things too, I just don’t remember what they were.
Even though I was fired, or I quit, I still put on my work clothes and headed to whatever meeting I had to deal with because we both knew we had no choice – this job was our bread-and-butter and not working wasn’t an option.
When sharing that story with my friend and fellow Biscayne Times contributor Diamone Ukegbu, who also works with her husband and teaches elementary school while raising three children, she could hardly contain herself, shrieking “Me too! Me too! Us too!! I quit too, a bunch of times!” And we both laughed about this seemingly ubiquitous experience of working with a spouse.
Working with life partners ain’t easy. While Diamone and I may be 20 years apart, we both know the fun, joy, pain, suffering and ups-and-downs that go with working together.
Now, enter COVID-19 and every couple who never intended to work together is forced to essentially start, without ever even having the conversation! And regarding getting “fired” – or quitting – well, not so fast.
It’s ironic to research divorce rates among couples during COVID-19. Diamone and I sat together and searched for articles and found polar-opposite data. Lots of media articles jumped to the conclusion that divorces are up because of COVID’s ability to attack every pressure point in our lives. But the Washington Post and others report the opposite – that many couples have used the pandemic to double down on commitment.
Diamone’s husband, who serves as lead pastor at the Brook Church and counsels many new couples and young families in the Upper East Side, has seen the exact same thing – that forced 24/7 work-life experience exposes weak links in relationships.
“COVID has caused a confronting of issues more than it has caused or created issues,” he said. “In this exposure, couples are left with options and choices. Some choose to mend what may be broken, strengthen what may be weak and heal from unforeseen wounds, whereas others may give in to the natural reaction of self-protection and the road of least resistance. This observation isn’t an indictment, as much as it could be cause for honest reflection and hopefully the pavement for the path forward.”
So, how do we move forward? We can start by looking back and remembering.
Remember those early days when we “quit” (or were fired)? When we remember now, we can laugh about it with our spouses as it was a critical moment in our relationships. Yes, we have battle scars, but we are winning the war.
Taking time to remember can be a means to retaining – or regaining! – our sanity, as well as an opportunity to fine-tune our commitments to persevere.
Perhaps we sound Pollyanna-ish?
No, we have never had to live with your spouse. And no, we’ve never had to navigate that annoying flaw in their character (wink), whatever that may be.
But yes, we get it.
“Marriage lets you annoy that same special person the rest of your life,” says one Pinterest quote.
Married or not, can we find humor in our homes? If I can get my kids to laugh when they are mad, even in the slightest, the door is thrown wide open to actually talk, apologize, make up and move on.
What do you have to lose? Here are a couple of starting points to bring back a laugh or two this Valentine’s season.
Diamone’s path to a good laugh: Grab a few index cards and give half to your partner. Choosing from a few of the scenarios below, write the topic on one side and a story you remember on the other side. Then, swap cards without reading or looking at them. Take turns reading the topic and guessing what your partner may have written. Alternate turns and let the act of remembering begin!
• Most memorable meal
• Most embarrassing in-law moment
• Funniest intimate moments
• Worst meal ever!
Lisa’s path to a quick laugh: Search up Flight of the Conchord’s “It’s Business Time!” (adult themed) and finish with each person pulling up their top five favorite funny home videos or photos involving you and your partner. Share! And if that doesn’t make you laugh there’s always those dreadful high school mullet photos, sure to please even the toughest crowd.