Adulting and friendship.
Please just stop reading and find me if you have figured this out! I wear so many professional and relational hats that I forget that being an adult requires healthy friendships, too.
Is this you as well?
We all see friendship in a different way, but there seems to be a common delusional enchantment on what friendship as grown-ups and families should look like. Movies and TV shows depict friendship in adulthood to be nice and neat. It’s shown in a way where everything in daily life is placed next to the throw pillows on the couch next to Monica and Chandler. Or it looks like Pam dropping by while Gina yells at Martin. Friendship is a butler who keeps the kitchen clean for Uncle Phil and Aunt Viv while all the kids enter stage left, right on cue. We expect our adult friendships to be as clean cut as a ’90s sitcom.
But we all know the truth – that’s not real life.
Adulting is a new generation taking on challenges to better our world. We can see our daily work and family-building as a push forward into a beautiful, promising future. Some of us find the management of our own empire invigorating. Some of us are so proud to move forward and build on the sacrifices our families made for us to succeed. We can see our dreams become reality and even cross bucket items off our list.
On the flip side, we know that adulting can also feel like Murphy’s law is at work when we are sleeping. There are days that gravity finds a way to pull all literal and proverbial objects to the ground at once. You shatter a glass on the floor and 30 seconds later a shelf full of books comes crashing down. Of course, all this is happening while your toddler adorns your rug with that morning’s breakfast. The cherry on top of this proverbial sundae is that it is 7:45 a.m. and you’re about to walk out the door. With all of this and more, there are days when we can’t even think about hanging with friends!
All my task-oriented mamas are saying, “Exactly!” while the rest of you are wondering how we live at all. Maybe you’re the one who’s saying, “Hey! Let’s hang – I know life is nuts, but we can make time!” Maybe you’re the one who’s figuring out this adulting thing and wondering why you must do it alone.
Whether you are the social butterfly or the blushing wallflower, we must agree that friendships are vital. The connection and chosen commitment in true friendship is a sweet gift. Friends are family you choose to share the life you are building. We are raised from childhood to become self-sufficient, contributing citizens in society. Yet as we age we seem to outgrow what we value so greatly as children: learning and growing together in friendship.
There’s a proverb that says “A friend loves at all times; and a brother is born for adversity.” Now more than ever, we have seen the need for one another beyond just neighborly kindness. Connection in friendship is more than sharing nachos on a Friday night or having a workout buddy. We all know that type of togetherness is needed, but we need more. We need the fun that can be present through the mundane times in life or when the world flips upside down and your kids are learning social skills on Zoom. I have spoken to many family therapists and mental health care professionals who are reiterating the need for basic interaction as well as meaningful life-giving friendships, now more than ever.
(Courtesy of Ashley Mathews)
Local Miami residents Kyler Piedra, William Soolua, Brian Mathews and Muche Ukegbu celebrating a friend’s wedding.
If we are honest, we all have a story of betrayal, sadness or regret regarding friendships. There is that friend that we never understood or the one who broke out heart in the most gruesome of ways. We can’t let that experience be our lens for all types of relationships. In friendship, we can learn forgiveness and a new recipe for pot roast; friendship is both! The inner and outer adversity builds bonds that build us as people. Yes, even “us” as all-knowing, perfectly imperfect adults.
Being an adult is everything we dreamed (and dreaded), but we can’t forget to build trust, be a shoulder to cry on and then laugh till we can’t breathe.
That’s a huge part of life. July 30 is National Friendship Day. Don’t wait until then to be the best type of grown-up, that builds and loves life with others. Send a text, set up a FaceTime or Zoom call or find a way to be together. You’ll find it to be the sweetest moment that you’ve been looking for while serving as an example to your own children about how to be a good friend.
Diamone Ukegbu is a local Little Haiti artist, creative, mom and wife.