This is one of the rare moments I get to be by myself and write. As you can imagine, with three kids, being alone to write is just about as rare as being alone with my spouse. And as any parent knows, when your love life transitions from being like a steamy movie to a five-minute meal, you know you’ve had at least one kid.
Kids can really mess with your sex life, and as busy Miamians, we may find ourselves simply accepting that as normal and letting important aspects of our relationships, like a healthy sex life, slide. To prepare for this column, I Googled “my kids are ruining my sex life” to see what popped up. No surprise, it’s a popular topic, which means a zillion people have already weighed in with what amounts to cheap advice.
It’s an age-old problem of the heart, the mind and the daily calendar. But knowing that intimacy improves our sense of well-being, and helps us to feel connected, known, treasured, loved and empowered, why then do we accept “less than” when we should be fighting for “more than?”
Our kids are all teenagers now, but I haven’t entirely forgotten what it was like when they were little. I remember the sheer exhaustion and endless days with hardly a moment of time to consider sex. Work, kids and then husband became the order of importance, which set me on a slippery slope that I would eventually have to reconcile.
I can look back and see so many periods of time when my only goal was to get through the day. There was little prioritizing urgent from important, and I just ran from one crisis to the next. In the classic book “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People,” author Steven Covey explains the difference between what is urgent and what is important.
We all know what urgent is – the boss calls, a COVID test is positive, the car gets a flat tire. But the things that are important contribute to our long-term goals. Important things are rarely urgent. Regular conversations with your children, family meals, exercise, organizing your life. You can go on for weeks, months, even years, without touching things that are important … that is, until those things become urgent due to a lack of attention. When we prioritize the important over the urgent, we make real life improvements.
Why is it so hard to do?
“Urgent” things tug at me like a hungry 2-year-old and my to-do list haunts me every day. I want the car cleaned out. I want my laundry put away. I want the dishes done, floor cleaned, and the dog washed, walked and fed. I place these daily routine activities over time with my life partner. It’s just easier!
It’s easier to “do” than it is to “be.” “Being” doesn’t feel productive. It still leaves the house a mess. But being with your partner does insure that after the mayhem of raising kids is over, your partner is still there.
Can I hear an “amen?”
We owe it to our kids to get creative and work around their needs to put parental needs first. When we take ownership and find that balance at least some of the time, then carving out quiet moments can become a bit of an adventure once again.
On our 25th anniversary, I planned a picnic in the middle of an 86-acre field in rural Tennessee. My girls, preteens at the time, took great joy in helping me prepare the meal and surprise my husband with the adventure. When Thom and I realized I had forgotten the wine opener, I called my daughter and she three-wheeled it out to me, then took a beautiful sunset photo – that I treasure to this day – before jolting back to hang with her siblings while my husband and I enjoyed the most amazing time alone, surrounded by a quiet stillness I will always remember.
Alas, since 86 acres in Miami is a neighborhood and not a field, it’s good to think through other options to create intimacy. There’s the oldie by goodie of teaching kids to respect a shut bedroom door. There’s also the very practical experience of purposefully getting to know other families you trust, so you can trade babysitting. Then there’s the more unusual, like the one mom of six kids I know who says she just puts a sign on the door: “Having Sex! Do not disturb!” If that didn’t scare the kids into finding other things to do, nothing would!
Intimacy in marriage is a roller coaster. The slumps are tough but completely normal. No need to panic. No need to throw in the towel. Expect it. Talk through it. Plan for it.
And while I do have just one more point to make, I think this might be a good stopping point, as my husband just got home!
When wearing her work hat, Lisa Mozloom is a media and presentation training coach and PR practitioner at The M Network, but at home she is a woman passionate about raising three teens, loving her husband, and finding ways to extend hospitality and hope to those around her.