Before the 1970s, research studies didn’t give too much credence to the role of fathers beyond the bearer of financial stability. Their role in children’s development was actually dismissed as “insignificant,” but that’s all changed.
Today’s father may not be the traditional married breadwinner and disciplinarian. Dads take on many forms, and their affection and positive influence is recognized now more than ever. So much so that in honor of Father’s Day Biscayne Times decided to collect the stories of some of the men in our orbit who are parenting or have raised a combined 15 children.
You’ll recognize some of the dads in this report from their Biscayne Times byline or perhaps from the community. Either way, we hope their experiences will help our readers reflect on their relationships with their own fathers, for better or worse, and we hope for many, with love.
Thom Mozloom, 55, grew up in Trenton, NJ. He lives in the Belle Meade neighborhood of Miami with Biscayne Times Family Matters columnist Lisa Mozloom and their three children, ages 14-18.
(Courtesy of Thom Mozloom)
Ever the creatives, Lisa Mozloom in 2010 feigning shock and dismay in this staged photo as her husband, Thom Mozloom, pretends to let their two oldest children vie for the keys to drive their 1983 Monte Carlo.
Thom Mozloom described his upbringing as idyllic, not because he came from money but because his parents loved each other. His mother was a forklift driver and his father a teacher.
“My earliest memory of him was him throwing a football in the middle of the street in front of our house with a glass of scotch in the mailbox … he was the coolest guy of the 1970s … my dad was everybody’s father … he was incredibly engaged and had an unbelievable sense of humor.”
But Mozloom readily admits his dad was not without flaws and there were never any pretenses that he was perfect. His mom demanded honesty and any tensions in the family were talked about openly.
“My fatherhood example is the example he set … I don’t hide my flaws to anyone.” And if Mozloom lacks answers for something he’s done or a wrong decision he’s made, the most valuable tool in his parenting arsenal is to simply say, “I screwed up.” He believes this has taught his children grace, “They forgive me for my flaws before I have to ask them for forgiveness.”
Mozloom has forwarded that philosophy into his children’s teenage years by emphasizing to them, “There is nothing you could do to make me not love you,” which he believes gives them the freedom to make mistakes while knowing they can always confide in him.
Other lessons from his childhood that Mozloom brought to his own growing family are that fathers need not rule with an iron hand and that parenting is a team sport. When his kids were born, he thought he could do everything and be everywhere, but the demands of running a business made that impossible. Now, time is his greatest wish.
“My son is graduating and going to West Point … what I wouldn’t give for a couple of more years,” he said.
When his son was born, Mozloom’s own father said, “I bet you think you know what love is? You have no idea. What until you hold that kid for the first time … you’re about to find out,” and he was right.
Fred Jonas, 73, is a longtime Biscayne Park resident and blogger who was born in Miami and grew up in Miami Beach. He’s divorced with two children ages 40 and 42 and two grandchildren ages 4 and 6.
Fred Jonas doesn’t mince words. His father’s example was one he eschewed. He described his dad as a solid breadwinner, but menacing, manipulative and untrustworthy.
(Courtesy of Fred Jonas )
Fred Jonas with his two children who are now aged 40 and 42.
“I learned before my teens to create a distance between us … my father mistreated everyone, including everyone in the family -- my mother the most,” whom Jonas alternately described as “one of the most beloved people on earth.”
Jonas married almost immediately after college and at first decided not to have children “because I thought my dad was such a bad role model that I was afraid I would repeat history. It wasn’t until several years later that I realized I had a control over this and that I didn’t have to treat people the way I had been treated … I decided I didn’t have to be like my father.”
Did he succeed?
“I hope I have been a good father, caring and respectful. Giving them advice, setting an example, and accepting of them as human beings,” he said. “I wasn’t authoritative, domineering and controlling. My father never would have interacted with us the way I interacted with my children.”
As a psychiatrist, Jonas is trained to understand human development, so he said nothing his children did ever surprised him, but he had this to say about growing up and being a father.
“When you are a teenager and in your 20s it’s all about you, but when you form a relationship with someone else, it’s not all about you anymore. Once you have children, nothing is about you anymore, it’s about the children. I’ve tried to conduct myself that way because I believe it.”
So, what’s it like to have grandchildren?
“I love them and I uphold them. I’m just supportive of anything they want to do. I treat them the same way that I would treat my children.”
Grant Balfour, 54, is our libations columnist and self-proclaimed “Biscayne Tipler.” Born in Miami Beach and raised in other parts of South Florida, he now Lives in West Palm Beach with his wife, Jeannie, also a native Floridian. They have 2 children, ages 17 and 20.
(Courtesy of Grant Balfour)
Grant Balfour and his two children.
Grant Balfour’s relationship with his father blossomed as he neared adulthood.
“He was a National Inquirer reporter, so he was out of the house a lot. We didn’t talk too much when I was little, but we traveled together when I was in college to visit his father in South Africa. That trip crossed a lot of bridges for us.”
From that point forward, Balfour’s dad became a driving influence … helping to guide him professionally.
“He was sterner than I was, but once my kids got older, I found myself behaving more like him in terms of trying to help them make life choices.”
Balfour adopted his children from China, which is why he describes his dreams of fatherhood as “very intentional.” Other than that, his reflections about parenting are universal.
“To me, fatherhood involved a lot of patience and letting people find their own way, nurturing a lot of independence, which I got from dad.”
When asked to share anecdotes about any surprises he experienced along his journey as a father, Balfour said this, accompanied with chuckles and a hearty laugh:
“I went into it expecting to be surprised and I wasn’t disappointed! I knew they would be a pain in all the best ways. One of the things that was fairly surprising is how much of myself and my wife and my family I see in my kids, even though they are adopted. It’s frustrating and immensely satisfying at the same time.”
Mark Sell, 72, is a regular Biscayne Times contributor. Born in the Midwest, he lived in Miami Shores for 34 years before relocating to North Miami and now lives outside of the corridor. Mark is a divorced father of two daughters ages 27 and 29 and the grandfather of a 1-year-old.
(Courtesy of Mark Sell)
Mark Sell with his two adult daughters.
When Mark Sell was a very young boy, he watched with admiration as his father worked by day and went to school at night. There was not a lot of “warm and fuzzy,” but he described his dad as “scrappy and charming.” Once the family moved to Minnesota, they had more time together sharing family meals and going on outings like bike riding, skiing, and other such adventures. Expanding one’s intellect was another favorite pastime.
“He had a great sense of fairness and justice. Books were important in our lives and in our house. As time went on, we were able to speak openly and frankly to one another … we would talk and discuss things at the dinner table -- I followed the news from age 6 and we discussed it. Facts were important and when we disagreed, we consulted with the encyclopedia to settle things.”
As for the elder Sell’s influence on the next generation, the evidence is ever present.
“There are certain pilot lights that were certainly lit by him … a passionate belief in justice and fairness, standing up for others, a hatred of bullies, a certain intellectual rigor and curiosity … values were passed on to be kind, be fair, be tough and resilient or cultivate resiliency … to seek out the funny and the absurd … and now it’s true of both my daughters.”
Sell said he intended to be an involved father from the start, fulfilling that
(Courtesy of Mark Sell)
Mark Sell with his new granddaughter.
goal by joining the PTA, coaching and judging his daughter’s debate competitions, becoming active in church and being “woven into the community.” He describes raising his children as “the happiest times of my life.”
There were certainly surprises along the way, the kind that force you to breathe and step back, especially the teenage years. Here’s his advice on how to handle them:
“Be there for them, give them what they need, but not always what they want. You can’t figure it all out for them. They are their own people … stay loose, don’t get too rigid, but that’s not about being too permissive and hang in there … each day is a new day.”
Now Sell has a 1-year-old granddaughter 900 miles away, a relationship that is j
ust beginning and he’s very much looking forward to cultivating it as he delights in nearly daily photos and videos.
“It’s better than being a parent because you don’t have the responsibility,” he said.
John Ise, 54, is a previous Biscayne Times Miami Shores community columnist. The Kansas City native who grew up in Virginia and lived in Ohio has been a Miami Shores resident for 14 years, where he lives with his wife and three children, ages 14-18.
(Courtesy of John Ise)
John Ise with his wife and children on vacation in Colorado approximately six years ago.
John Ise describes his relationship with his dad as distant, but not by choice. His parents had an acrimonious divorce when he was 5 and his mother moved them to Virginia. Consequently, he only saw his father once a year in the summer for about two weeks.
“My father was very stoic, not very emotional. He served in the military, but he was caring in terms of reaching out and keeping tabs on me,” Ise said. “It was phone conversations once a month and maybe a letter … you knew he was missing out on seeing us grow up -- me, my brother and sister -- and I’m sure it had an effect on him.”
Ise believes that perhaps, on a subconscious level, that lack of day-to-day involvement from his father motivated him and all his siblings into becoming very engaged parents.
“I think I decided when you have kids that kind of becomes your cause. Whatever mission you had in life goes away. Your kids become your mission. It’s like encoded to be present and engaged and connected as much as I can be. It’s what I think parenting is all about … and to see replicants of yourself, in many ways, grow into young adulthood is enjoyable.”
Ise has strong opinions about children growing up without fathers, which he firmly believes is the root of much of society’s problems, as controversial as that may be.
“Absentee fatherhood takes a toll on society. If I didn’t have my wife, I would be a worse father, there is no doubt, because the stress and the work is divided by two.”
He expressed that kids need structure, guidance, and limits. If there’s one thing he would do differently, it would be delaying access to smart phones and social media, but what he doesn’t regret is teaching his children to be resourceful.
“I made my kids learn how to take the bus at age 12 and people looked at me like I was bonkers. It’s part of parenting, teaching children how to navigate life independently. When I was growing up getting on the bus was normal and today people look at you like you are neglecting them.”
Muche Ukegbu, 37, was born in Houston, Texas and is now a church pastor in Miami Shores. He lives in Little Haiti with Biscayne Times Family Matters columnist Diamone Ukegbu and their three children, ages 9-12.
Muche Ukegbu is of Nigerian heritage. His father fought in the Nigerian Civil War and became a teacher. Their relationship as father and son evolved over time.
(Courtesy of Muche Ukegbu)
Muche Ukegbu with his wife and children on a trip to Atlanta, GA earlier this year.
“We have a great relationship now. He’s my father and my friend, but when I was young, he was very rigid and not affectionate … we didn’t connect … my father worked as an immigrant…. he grinded”
Ukegbu admits that his own behavior didn’t help the situation. At one point, his father even went as far as to say, “They are going to find you in an alley someplace and call us to identify the body and we won’t come.” Harsh words from a parent. Soon thereafter, “At 16, faith took a hold of me, and life started changing. From that time on it changed our relationship. That was the pivot.”
Sacrificing for your family is a trait Ukegbu modeled after his dad, but there were other attributes he left behind.
“He weaponized his words in a way that was unhealthy and I’ve modeled the reverse intentionally … using words for inspiration and not to shame … words really matter.”
Ukegbu said he had ideas about the kind of father he wanted to be before his children were born, but that changed when reality hit.
“When I saw her, it was different,” he said, referring to his first-born daughter. “They weren’t an idea; they were a person in my arms … there was a different type of maturity I had to step into in my early 20s.”
When he looked at her he thought, “I have to provide for you, you need me in a different way.”
As time went on, the maturing young father realized that helping form his children into “the best version of themselves” requires lots of dialogue.
“You have to make room for the why and the back and forth. So much of my parenting effort is dialogue. I think it’s a healthy surprise. It’s messy. I love it, but it’s a surprise. It’s hard but it’s enjoyable to hear the way they process things. We’re having a conversation and it’s not just about giving orders.”
So, take a page from Muche Ukegbu and start a conversation at home with your family about the past, present and future of fatherhood.
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Advice for The New Dad
“Throw most of your expectations out the window because children are individuals and each one is different. They reach maturity in different times in different ways. Approach fatherhood with your eyes open and expect the unexpected.” - Grant Balfour:
“Surf with it … you don’t know how the waves are going to come. Try to keep your balance. Forgive yourself because you are going to make mistakes, but above all, just be there for them and pay attention, they’re watching you.” – Mark Sell
“Once you have children, nothing is about you. It’s your new career. Love them. Devote yourself to them. Be available and supportive. Your job is to allow your children to be capable and independent and to encourage it.” -Fred Jonas
“Pace is your friend … don’t rush through parenting. Allow yourself to enjoy the gift and be responsible. Be present. You can’t father from a distance. You have to be there even in the moments when you think they don’t need you.” - Muche Ukegbu
“You don’t know what love is … You have no idea … This is now what you’re living for and if the answer to the question why is, ‘because I said so,” you’re getting it wrong. Start with, ‘Because I love you.’”
-Thom Mozloom
“Be patient. Model the behavior you seek to instill in your kids. Walking the walk is more important than talking the talk. The most important title you’ll ever have is father.” -John Ise