Advocates at North Miami’s Jewish Community Services of South Florida say the cultural value of Shalom Bayit — peace in the home — can make it harder for victims to speak out.
“It's important to let people know that there are ways of reaching out for help, that this is something common, and we are here to help them break those cycles of violence,” said Dana Hahn, a licensed mental health counselor and the case manager at JCS’ Domestic Abuse Assistance Program.
A study of six thousand Jewish families by the Family Violence Research Program found that one in ten families experience some form of abuse, and one in a hundred face severe abuse. That’s according to the JCS.
(Courtesy of Dana Hahn)
Dana Hahn, case manager at JCS’ Domestic Abuse Assistance Program.
JCS describes domestic violence as a pattern of power and control. Hahn points to four cultural pressures the nonprofit calls the "Four S’s.”
Secretiveness, she said, keeps abuse from being openly discussed. Jewish women tend to stay in abusive relationships five to seven years longer than the average victim. Socioeconomic dynamics can trap partners with no access to family finances. Shame keeps victims silent when an abuser is well-known or prominent in the community. And shalom bayit places the responsibility for “peace” on women, reinforcing that silence.
“They sometimes choose to remain silent because they feel the shame and the blame of speaking out,” Hahn said.
Shalom Bayit, the JCS program, provides Miami-Dade residents with case management, mental-health counseling, financial help and legal guidance.
“ Peace in the home does not necessarily mean that you have to put up with abuse,” Hahn said. “You can break that cycle and still assure [peace] once you do that.”
Ammy Galeano spoke with Hahn. The conversation was edited for length and clarity.
Are there any myths or misconceptions about domestic abuse in the Jewish community and also in the community in general that you would like to clarify?
Some people think domestic abuse does not affect many people and that domestic abuse only happens in poor areas. In reality, it affects all cultures, races, religions, occupations, income levels, and ages. Also, abuse can be physical, but also emotional, psychological, sexual and financial.
Would you say that one of the misconceptions as well is that only women have dealt with domestic abuse?
Although we see more women coming forward with claims of being victims of domestic abuse, there are also men who are victims. There is still a lot of stigma, a lot of thinking that a man who is subject to abuse is not a real man or is not macho enough. Those misconceptions are hurting those men who are really going through abusive relationships.
What are some warning signs or red flags of an unhealthy or abusive relationship?
If your partner is constantly criticizing you or creating feelings of self-doubt. When your partner says your opinions are unimportant and makes you afraid to talk about your feelings and concerns. Another red flag is when they isolate you from family and friends, when they humiliate you, and when they're physically aggressive or force you to do things like that you don't want to do, like having sex.
If someone recognizes any red flags, what should they do?
The client has to reach out first. If you're seeing somebody being abused by their partner, be patient with them. The best thing you can do is be there and just be patient and listen.
What are some green flags of a healthy relationship?
When you feel good about yourself, you can negotiate, communicate, and you know that the other person is gonna listen and try to also compromise. When you feel like you're treated as an equal.
What message of hope would you send or would you want to send with what message of hope would you want to share with someone who might be afraid to reach out?
People are afraid that if they come to the program, we're gonna tell them what to do. We're gonna tell them that they have to get a divorce, leave the house, or that they have to go to the police. That's not what we do. We meet our clients where they are. We will give you everything that you need to break the cycle of violence. And my experience is that people who, over time, were able to break with those cycles of violence, had a very happy life afterwards and were able to heal and rebuild themselves. They give a very powerful message [to] their kids that these are things that you don't have to put up with.
For confidential support, call the Jewish Community Services of South Florida hotline at 305-576-1818. To contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline, call 800-799-7233 or text BEGIN to 88788.