Choice.
It’s the simplicity of letting a little girl choose her own outfit. It’s as simple as letting her choose her favorite color or flavor. It’s the power of choice that seems to allow all kids to grasp a little more with their identity as their own person.
For a girl, this is compounded all the more in the various pressures and challenges ethnic and micro-cultures can bring. As the mother of two girls in high school, I see it more clearly than I ever have before. Choices have varying stakes in life as you grow up. Choosing a color is very different from making a moral choice to cheat or have integrity. Both are choices, but they live in their own lanes.
Moreover, there are choices that make way to more choices and that adds a capillary effect to what it means to make choices. Adults who guide children have the unique opportunity to lead them into understanding stakes and inner strength to say yes or no in different situations.
Long gone are the days when my girls ask for just an extra sweet treat in their lunch. Now, they ask permission to go on trips to camps and tournaments where I may not always be able to be present. There are a million choices that they can make on a trip that I may not know about. The one choice of letting them go becomes a gateway to trusting the pattern of their intentions, their training and their discernment in a faraway setting. It’s an assessment of their character.
Honestly, it’s also a test of mine, on how I react or respond to what they choose and who they show themselves to be. It’s the constant question every good parent should ask: “Can I love you where you are and where you are not?” Parents who are my senior in this journey have told me that the answer to that question must ultimately be yes – even if there are tears and air punches along the way.
If I’m honest, I dreaded the adolescent years for no reason other than the one I’m describing is necessary. I did not realize I wanted to teach them to have autonomy with my omniscience. There’s this weird desire to have control on how they reach the goals and dreams I taught them to pray for and to chase. I vowed to never live vicariously through my kids, but I still find a war within and around me to know the outcomes of every choice, versus allowing them to still choose – whether it’s ice cream flavors or colleges. My belief and view of parenting has always been to grow my children to let them go, and like most things, the middle is the hardest. I’m unfurling my grip around every decision and still trying to let them know the freedom of going and still knowing my love is present.
This doesn’t mean I always give them the keys or say yes to everything. It’s a commitment to a slow release. One Saturday, my two daughters and I walked around the Lotus Chic Thrift Store Boutique together and each of my girls unearthed a vintage gem that would be fun to add to their accessories. We discovered this little thrift boutique and its aim to continue to support women who are in need of shelter and resources to rebuild their life. We chatted about serving opportunities and were moved by the cause. To add to it all, we saw great items that were vintage and aptly described chic. The three of us meandered through the store thoughtfully fawning and pillaging through the aisles.
After a while, they brought me their finds. I paused for what seemed like forever as I looked at the teenage outfits and items. It was like I had been through about 10 different time dimensions of the same moment. I swear I saw Doctor Strange holding up one finger telling me that there was only one way out of this moment – letting them choose. I did have to convey consequences of choices of clothing and accessories, like possible mutiny among their brother and uncles who love them so much. But, nonetheless, a guided choice. They did hear me when I told them of their clothing parameters, my “outdated” fashion advice, and tidbits of financial savviness. And then I just had to be quiet. The lovely volunteers and ladies serving that day watched as this moment happened and I saw a smile tug at the corners of their mouths as they kept their eyebrows high. No one spoke as my girls deliberated among themselves, but I felt like the women in that room knew that this was a moment of choice that was important for everyone in there. And it was.
In the end, the girls chose wisely and for themselves. It had to be their choice. They purchased their spoils and I had to keep a few steps behind them as we exited. I just needed to take in the fading of the timeline of that moment. The seeds that were sown in their lives seemed to show a little sprout. Even if our fashion choices differed, I found that I could respect their choice and the journey their took to make it. I know, it’s just a thrift store choice. But I see so much more.
To all the mommas, teachers, and aunties out there: Keep seeing the future of our ladies as one that’s great and beautiful fueled from their power to choose well.
Diamone Ukegbu is a local Little Haiti artist, creative, teacher, mom and wife who is in the throes of raising three children while trying to keep her sanity.
