I remember an evening in the first few years of marriage, when my husband and I shared a bit about the holidays of our childhoods. Our oldest two children were starting school and our youngest was starting to discover Tupperware in the cabinet. It was clear that our family rhythms were going to change, specifically during the holidays. As we shared our experiences, we were shocked at how different our outlooks were. We were left wondering, “What do we want for our family?”
Diamone Ukegbu
In light of the topsy-turvy nature of 2020, it feels more daunting than ever to think about the holidays. The new normal sandwiched between the holidays feels overwhelming.
If I look at patterns in my life, I know that from November to December I fill myself up with ambiguous expectations. I chase this feeling of hope and simplicity, yet in the chasing I manage to complicate things.
One year, I went on a search for the perfect tree skirt. It was supposed to be a fun family affair, but we all fought in the car from Target to Home Depot, didn’t have lunch, found a tree skirt and returned home only to realize we never got the tree!
My aimless, frenzied nature was so contagious it affected my family. That sweet moment of doing something together became tense and brittle instead of formative and memorable. The result: My family ended up exhausted and let down because we didn’t have a game plan or a compass for our activity.
Can I get an Amen?
Regardless of where you land on the spectrum of holiday planning, it’s probably true that we all have ways we can improve our overall approach, and even let that bleed into the vision we desire for our family. Easy to understand on paper, but as human beings, it’s so hard to maintain a goal that really, truly matters.
In 2020, my husband and I are 10 years removed from that initial conversation about what we desire for our family. Holidays are a time to tinker with a beautiful variation of our overall and holiday endgame. Every year is a new opportunity to create something predictably different that still keeps us aligned with our desire and vision. Our kids even know what to expect with our holidays, no matter where we live. And if there are ever changes or hiccups (aka all of 2020), we know how to bring each other back to the endgame for our family. This eliminates hungry, around-the-city trips to Target, Home Depot and beyond. We all can align and fight for the unified endgame of our home and holidays.
Serenity (L) and Joelle (R) Ukegbu in aprons to make Christmas dishes as a part of their family’s holiday endgame in 2014.
So, are you up to explore the same for you and your family?
If you answered in the affirmative, here’s a challenge for you and your spouse/partner. Use these questions to start aligning your family’s overall plan, or as we like to call it, the “Holiday Endgame.”
• What holidays do I want to celebrate and why?
• What do I want the outcome of the holidays to be for my family relationships? And is that a practical expectation?
• Thinking back over past holiday patterns, pick one thing I want to approach differently about the holidays. What small steps and changes can get me there?
• Is there a core focus or desire I have for my kids during this season or holiday that will stay with us through their childhood and adulthood? If so, what is it?
• What elements must remain no matter what happens in my family’s life?
• What can I learn from and appreciate about others and their holiday focus?
This conversation could spark something new! You can come to the end of the holidays, look back and know you are building a beautiful part of your family’s story, even amid a pandemic and any other curveballs 2020 has thrown our way. As a family, you can still build a vision that stands no matter what life brings. You can even invite your kids into the process of determining what it looks like. All of this leads to the tinsel having purpose beyond you roaming masked to the end-shelves of Target or digitally scrolling through the gift section of Amazon.
My free-spirited creative nature wants to have the magic of the activity, but it all must lead to something deeper at the end of it all – and the precious fleeting time I have with my children.
My wish is that your holiday endgame becomes clear for you and your family as we wrap up the whirlwind that is 2020.
May your families shine brightly, and your holidays leave you exhausted yet content, with the vision for your holiday endgame. Cheers to you and yours!
Diamone Ukegbu is a local Little Haiti artist, creative, mom and wife.