Crime Beat - May

More Construction Hijinks

700 Block of NE 1st Avenue

It seems that area construction sites are the new internship opportunities for the criminal underclass. These places are getting hit, and hit repeatedly. This particular site was secured at 8:00 p.m., and all seemed well. But how can you secure a construction site when it’s large, holds many hiding places, and contains all kinds of tools? Our mystery lowlifes cut the chain securing the front gate, then treated themselves to a bonanza of tools. No arrests have been made yet, nor any clues.

This Is Not How You Nail It

6300 Block of Biscayne Boulevard

A woman was getting her nails done at this nail salon. After the manicurist finished her work, she began to clean up a bit and walked over to the cash register to ring up the customer. But something was dreadfully wrong. The same mild woman who’d been sitting in the chair was replaced by a raging menopausal maniac. She jumped the nail tech and pushed those freshly manicured nails right into her throat, and landed some random punching as well. The manicurist was able to push her off, and the woman ran out of the store. The nail bar filed a police report but declined to press charges.

Their Grass Was Greener

900 NE 84th St.

It’s that time of year when we freshen up the front lawns before summer heat and rains descend. This homeowner planted new grass on his lawn, only to wake up the next morning to find the lawn mangled, with the newly planted grass ripped from the ground. Worse, the thieves had taken almost all of his grass! How lame -- but one supposes that even criminal scum want to look outside and see a nice lawn.

Sure, Blame That Homeless Guy

NE 1st Avenue and NE 34th Street

A Midtown business owner was increasingly dismayed with the presence of a homeless person hanging out at the outskirts of his business property. The owner asked him to leave several times, but the man refused, claiming he was on the sidewalk, i.e., public property. Finally, the man was persuaded to leave the area. The business owner had left his bike out in front of the store 20 minutes. Oops, it disappeared, and he’s sure the homeless chap took it. In reality, bike theft is very high in that area. It could have been some yuppie hipster on the lookout for green transportation. Hey, man, we’re all in this together, right?

Now, That’s a Double-Scoring Performance

300 Block of Biscayne Boulevard

During a concert at the Bayfront Amphitheater, two friends were enjoying themselves, gyrating to the music, their purses wrapped around their shoulders, their common sense taking off in flight. When the event ended, they discovered both their wallets had disappeared from their respective purses. A combined $2000 was stolen, as well as several credit cards. Why someone would carry that much cash is beyond reason, and both friends are now marked and damaged by the scourge of Miami theft.

Miami Beach Noir

6200 Block of Biscayne Boulevard

This local left the mainland for South Beach and went to Mango’s for some drinks. He spoke to a lady he took a liking to (her personality, surely) and they agreed to go for a nightcap at the man’s Miami apartment. It didn’t take long after arriving that the man fell asleep -- funny how our “Police Reports” victims just can’t seem to handle their booze. He didn’t even notice until the next morning that the woman was gone, as was the fancy watch from his wrist.

Spacing Out Seven Days a Week

34 NE 11th St.

Warning to Miamians: If you decide to party with strangers, please, please leave your valuables at home. And that now includes your cellphone, we’re sad to say. This man found his pocket was empty, and his phone had vanished. He doesn’t remember when, can’t even pinpoint where this might have happened. Calls to his phone went straight to voicemail, and that phone will likely show up at one of our great pawnshops next to some bail bondsman’s place. Please be careful when you head out to the clubs, as every month there are number of thefts just like this one. Think we can go one month without? Not for the past 17 years of “Police Reports.”

One Tourist’s Trauma

900 N. Miami Ave.

A woman, visiting all the way from Peru, was having dry martinis at this bar. Of course, she forgot her purse when she left the bar, but she did catch the mistake and returned. Alas, security guards wouldn’t let her back in. So she asked if they’d check her table and they flat-out refused. They didn’t want to, she told police. She called the next day and was told they never found the purse but she got the added, “It’s not our problem; there is nothing we can do.” The woman had her whole life in that purse: passport, driver’s license, cell phone, credit cards, debit card, and cash. Adding to her awful night, she also lost her keys. Let’s hope she got her consulate involved.

Poof. Gone. Again.

5200 NE 2nd Ave.

We have come to this sad conclusion, that Miami has more than its fair share of uncivilized scoundrels and thugs. If you go anywhere, do not, not for a minute, let your possessions out of your hands and out of your sight. Not anywhere. This woman, in a bar, of course, set her purse on the floor beneath her barstool. Stupid, idiotic, too predictable. A man dressed in all black brazenly walked up to the woman, smiled, grabbed the bag, and ran out of the bar. She reports that she lost many papers, including her Social Security card, immigration papers…and her order of supervision probation papers.

A Good Lock Is Hard to Find

NE 5th Street at I-95

Our newest sport in Miami: bike theft -- it’s something every dreg of society tries, likely starting in grade school. Victim locked his bike under a pay phone sign at 9:00 a.m. He even used one of the better locks, one you can’t even cut through. Two hours later, he returned and saw that his bike was gone. Not just that, but the entire sign had been removed, and the bike pulled upward and over the pole, with the lock still attached. Well, the lock didn’t fail here, but somehow a gymnastic theft occurred in broad daylight. Essentially, if you take your bike out, it’s going to get stolen. That’s a Miami factoid.

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