Crime Beat - April

Nerd Crime Hits Hard

8300 Block of Biscayne Boulevard

At this construction site, the computer that was used to control most of the site’s equipment had been secured to a desk with solid screws and fasteners. This did not deter the thief, who cut open the computer and emptied its guts in a dramatic act of geek cannibalism. Essentially, the whole computer is gone, save for its shiny clean base.

Old Crime Wave Returning?

700 Block of NE 82nd Street

A couple of years ago, there was a spate of garbage bin thefts in Miami. Without leaving a trace, brazen thieves started removing those big ugly green bins and taking them off to parts unknown. There were, in fact, too many incidents to write about. Uh oh. This month a man came home after a hard day’s work and saw that his garbage bin was missing. He asked his neighbors, but none of them had seen a thing. The trash container could not be found anywhere. Report filed. No serial number, and likely no LoJack. We think this Bin Boy is long gone, leading a new wasteful life.

Too Quick, Too Easy

200 Block of Biscayne Boulevard

Don’t fool yourself. Miami still looks like Dodge City, no matter all the new improvements and wanton expenditures on beautification. A man came to the front desk of a major hotel and said he’d been the victim of a theft. While sitting on a nearby bench, enjoying the exquisite beauty of Bayfront Park, he placed his bag on the bench to his right. He turned his head to the left as something caught his attention. Maybe a beautiful white-winged parakeet? A seemingly winged thief took his bag in those few seconds and disappeared. As if he just flew away, maybe with that parakeet.

Living Large with the American Slam

3600 Biscayne Blvd.

Denny’s on Biscayne Boulevard is a great haunt for…just about everyone, from the downtown late-night drunks to the church ladies. This group of three people came in and sat down to eat, and after chowing down like rabid dogs, they ignored the check, got up, and left the restaurant. They also left behind a $49.27 bill, which seems pretty high for Denny’s, even with three people. No leads, only the dip in profits and the slight that comes with hard work unacknowledged.

Way Too Easy

100 Block of NW 54th Street

A man with a long Papa Smurf beard entered this gas station-slash-convenience store and walked to the back. There he grabbed two 18-pack beer boxes of Corona and Heineken. Decent choices in convenience store beer. Well, he chose his beer and then chose not to pay, and walked right out with both cases. Guess he put one down as he opened the door and walked into a waiting Ford Bronco. That beer should hold him over until police knock on the door. Yes, there is a surveillance video.

The High Cost of High Tech

300 NE 11th St.

A man was in a club enjoying himself with friends. He wanted to preserve the moment, so he reached into his pocket to grab his phone but found his phone was not there. He looked for it around the bar, but no luck. Upon waking up the next morning, he found that $750 had been paid out to two individuals he hadn’t authorized. They likely used his phone’s cash app. So consider this a warning: Do not to keep such important stuff and easy access on your little phone. Candy Crush, yes, Western Union, no. You remember the simplicity of landlines and rotary phones? Likely not.

We Are All Vulnerable

3401 N. Miami Ave.

Some places just seem impossible to steal from due to the high volume of people, employees, and surveillance. Good luck hitting Target. Well, one man did and took with him three Nintendo Switch systems, put them into a bag, and walked out, likely setting off alarms. No one came after him. You can’t blame them as he could easily whip out his version of a video game gun and not wait till he got home. No arrests, but there is some video, though he was successful in covering his face. Is it really that easy now? Let’s hope it’s not open season at Target once a scumbag perp reads this item!

Friendly Conversation with a Miami Scammer

4800 Biscayne Blvd.

Man entered this CVS, shopped a bit, and walked up to the counter. He began making small talk with the cashier, as she checked out his items. The man paid and started to walk out of the store. Then suddenly he underwent the Miami “change,” not unlike zombies in The Walking Dead. He jumped over the counter and began grabbing random items totaling $90. Psycho flashed a smile before walking out of the store. No arrests, and it seems that nothing can really be done about stuff like this unless the employees arm themselves with Tasers. Why not? It would make for some great viral videos.

How Often Do We Have to Say It?

3100 Block of Biscayne Boulevard

There are some things you should not do, in Miami or most big cities. It’s just common sense. If you leave your purse on your car seat while you go shopping, that is incredibly dumb. So dumb that there might be no hope for you at all. This woman was horrified that her purse was taken from her driver’s seat while she was in Walgreens. She admitted that the lock has not been working properly, so the ditz left the door open. Not good. This also happens to dudes, as later that night, a tote bag was taken from a Jeep. Yes, assume it’s a video game, press the X button, as villains are always ready to attack

Random Insane People

5400 Biscayne Blvd.

This man left a downtown Miami restaurant, extremely intoxicated, and bumbled down the street. A spicy female in a white Porsche pulled up beside him and flirted. She asked him to get in the vehicle, and the drunken fool could not resist, as he was barely making it down the street. Upon entering into some good-natured sexual tension, he began to notice something was amiss. His potential lay was a dude! He asked to be let out, but the dude refused. He woke up later at 3:00 a.m. at the gas station on Biscayne and 54th Street -- missing his wallet, watch, and cell phone. That’s a thug trifecta. He has no memory of anything save for realizing it was not a woman who’d almost won his puny heart but bruised his masculinity forever.