Truly Pickled All the Time …

his is really true; I’m pickled almost all of the time. Even as I write this column, there’s pickle juice dripping off my fingers and slowly seeping into the keyboard, something that’s sure to make the Genius Bar staffers at my local Apple store happy once again.

What can I say? It’s just part of my nature to be pickled and loving it. And just as most folks don’t write letters anymore, I daresay that even fewer make real pickles and ferment their own stuff. But nobody makes pickles like I do, man, and it sure does pay off.

If you’re a regular reader of this column, you know that I’m an old school, OG-style chef – I like to do things from scratch. I make my own chutney, infuse my own spirits and make my own pickles to pass around. The summer is full-on and many markets are carrying those great Kirby cucumbers, which are not just cucumbers – they’re Kirbys. No substitutions, please, although additions are A-OK when pickling, like throwing in some tomatillos.

“Pickling” refers to fermentation and also to the use of an acetic vinegar solution, sometimes with heated baths. I prefer the fermented pickle process, if you please. That’s simplicity itself. You’re just relying on room temperature and natural yeast floating around in the air – you can’t mess this up and you won’t go sour unless you start to test the waters with unwashed hands. Keep it clean out there! And speaking of keeping it clean, fermented veggies like Chef Sid-style pickles, sauerkraut, kimchee and other pro-gaseous investments are super good for regulating healthy intestines. Use ’em to counteract all that cheesecake

and beef BBQ I have been writing about so the old beer belly ain’t so bloated after all. The best of all worlds.

I’ve been vinegar-boiling pickling all sorts of veggies for eons, and fermented culinary treats can be seen swimming around in their mason jars in my fridge many months of the year. Radishes, green beans, daikons, tomatoes and red onions are the best when vinegar pickled, but gurks – that’s Latvian for cukes – can be done both ways. And when you find out how easy pickling is, I know you’ll do it to it!

I like being the picklemeister when it comes to visiting guests. Years ago during my New York City studio life, I found it very cool when my Baltic amigos would enjoy vodka with a pickled accompaniment to get that certain symphony going in one’s mouth. So when I enjoy a crispy firm pickle with my chilled vodka – ahh, sweet memory of life! It’s like having great tequila the proper Mexican way – sipping the distillate and following it up with delicious sangria chasers. I remember (but honestly, sometimes not all that much) tall shots of tequila with chasers that offered fresh tomatillo or tomato juices. How civilized that is, as opposed to chugging shots down like foolish Ameri-cant’s.

BTW, nobody likes a limp pickle, right? Firm and succulent is the path you must follow, i.e., the recipe that follows. So if you’re into gifting yourself, family and friends with a continuous foodie treat that’s at home at any table, you’ll soon be smellin’ what I’m tellin’ and biting into tart, tangy goodness whenever the mood strikes.

And remember to check for soft spots and mushy bruises on your gurks before you get started, ’cause it ain’t no good if it ain’t all firm. You wouldn’t leave an unopened clam in your pasta alle vongole, would you? No, you would not.

CHEF SID’S SO-EASY PICKLES

Serves: Many hungry people searching for a beneficial food source and/or the perfect vodka chaser.

MUST HAVES

·      Large glass jar with top (seriously, as large as possible – it needs to hold all those gurks!), or a great antique French pickling jar that set you back $250 – get as fancy-schmancy as is your wont

·      Tap water and a sink

·      Large pot for boiling

·      Plate small enough to easily slip inside and remove from mouth of jar or crock

INGREDIENTS

·      16-20 fresh Kirby pickles, firm and spotless – no bruises!

·      1 cup kosher salt, give or take

·      1/4 cup coriander seeds

·      2 tablespoons mustard seeds

·      A few whole dried chili peppers

·      6-8 bay leaves

·      2 bunches fresh dill

·      1 cup fresh garlic cloves

·      Tomatillos, carrots or small onions, optional

·      Rice wine vinegar, a bottle of the higher quality kind is what I prefer

PREPARATION

·      Clean your gurks really well using good old tap water in the sink.

·      Rinse your jar or pickle crock and find a place it somewhere it can remain untouched and out of the sun for 4-5 days, about 74-76 degrees is optimal. I like to use clear glass so I can watch the action taking place, but I also like to watch the grass grow.

·      To prep the brine, first figure out how many cups of water it will take to fill your jar or crock – better to have more than less – and add that amount to your boiling pot.

·      Add 1 1/2 teaspoons of kosher salt for every cup of tap water used; if you want saltier pickles, use a tablespoon of salt per cup of water.

·      Add coriander seeds, mustard seeds, dried whole pepper and bay leaves.

·      Heat to a boil and let cool to just hotter than warm. Use the finger test: If you don’t scream and curse my name when testing, it’s perfect.

·      Now, onto the layering! Place some dill sprigs and garlic cloves at the bottom of your jar; layer in some Kirbys,

then repeat the whole process until you’ve reached the top – and if you’ve decided to add tomatillos, carrots, small

onions or whatever you want to go full Frankenstein mode – toss those in with each layer,

·      Place your plate inside the jar on top of the layers, leaving enough room to cover with the lid. This is key, as it’ll keep the mixture under liquid the entire time so it doesn’t get covered with that mold or “unknown slime project” that naturally occurs as a result of brine fermentation.

·      Pour the cooled, but not cold, brine saltwater mix into the jar over the whole enchilada until the plate on top is submerged.

·      Set your jar in its preselected spot a place and watch your edible experiment begin. Do not touch to or stick your paws inside … just wait.

·      When you see the pickles have started to turn somewhat of a yellow shade of green, you can call your own shots: Go the full monty and wait seven days or stop at 4-5 days, which is what I usually tend to do, depending on how low the A/C was that week. Look at all the bubbles and effervescence happening – that’s the miracle of fermentation.

·      When you and your pickles are ready, pour out liquid and rinse off the fermented contents, keeping about half the seeds and all of the garlic; set aside.

·      Wash and dry the jar to lose that fermented funk, then refill with the same volume of water and add about 1 teaspoon of salt per cup of lightly warm water.

·      Place all the pickle stuff back in the jar and add a cup of good rice wine vinegar. This helps keep your pickles crisp for weeks, if they last that long.

·      Place in refrigerator for long-term storage and freshness. Break out the vodka or tequila and test your work; repeat as required.