Thoughtfully Thankful

Is it cliché to talk about being thankful?

It’s like when people say they are “blessed” because they got the last bottle of the BOGO wine at Publix. Are they really blessed?

Are we really full of thanks?

We are thankful for the bag boy at the store or the assistant for booking an appointment for us, but these are things we expect them to do. True thankfulness – or gratitude – will actually, physically make you stop and think twice; it does something to your heart that you can’t quite put into words. Sometimes it can even bring you to tears.

I’ve thought a lot about thankfulness lately as we head into the holiday season. Even with COVID-19 and all its tragedies, we are surrounded by so many distractions we hardly have time to give pause and think about what really matters.

In her book, “Why I Stopped Forcing My Kids to Say Thank You,” Larissa Kosmos said that rather than prompt her kids to give a rote thank you to people, she started a new habit that prompted a deeper look when someone deserves acknowledgment for a kindness.

“For example, I’ll say ‘Dad spent time fixing your toy instead of relaxing,’ or ‘The librarian left her work at her desk to help you find that book,’” said Kosmos. “Instead of cuing words to be spoken, I’m aiming to trigger something deeper and more meaningful – awareness. To adults, these explanations amount to stating the obvious, but they are revelations to kids who take everything for granted, naturally, because everything is granted to them.”

I propose we start now – today – being purposeful about thankfulness. It’s not just a nice thing to do, it’s critical for the mental health of our families. Generation Anxiety … YIKES! Stress and depression lurk at our door like some trick-or-treater who won’t stop knocking even after your lights are off. Study after study shows that having an attitude of gratefulness actually teaches your brain to enjoy positive emotions. Take time to reflect on a personal benefit you received that was undeserved or sought after, but happened purely because of someone’s good intention or care for you. Such a moment actually changes your heart and mind. 

Is thanksgiving cliché? Writing guides recommend avoiding clichés. Can our society afford to avoid giving thanks? Some days it feels like we already did that! However, our family and our community … dare I say, humankind, needs thanksgiving to survive.

As parents we have the responsibility and the joy of modeling that for our kids. Single, divorced, never married – no matter your situation, you can reflect on thanks and dole it out appropriately to others in ways that set in motion a culture of gratitude at home.

Our national holiday of Thanksgiving is an obvious place to start thinking about the act of giving thanks (without being annoying).

Here’s an idea: Before Thanksgiving this year, get a large Post-it flip chart and title a sheet “Thankful Thoughts.” Place it on a wall near the kitchen and as Thanksgiving gets closer, encourage everyone to randomly write down names of people, places, things and experiences that would hurt their heart if they were gone. As the days pass, look for themes that start showing up on paper. Circle those and call them out. Those are the things at the core of your family. As we head into 2021, look for ways to nurture those people, spend time in those places, enjoy those things together. If your kids write someone’s name down, take a picture and send it to the named individual. Can you imagine how honored they would feel having made your family’s list?

As I write this, I think about things that have brought me personal benefit that I didn’t deserve or intentionally look for. Like the beautiful Haitian grandma who helped me operate the laundromat washing machine the week my own died at home, the man at Chipotle who gave me a free iced tea for no reason, the friend who invited my family over to invade their home for Friday night pizza so we wouldn’t have to cook, and that unexpected funny news article that came in the mail with a note from Mom.

For those things and so many more, I am thankful to know what it feels like to be thankful. I enjoy the feeling! I want to feel it more. And I want my kids to know that feeling, too, and to seek it out. Join me. Make thankfulness great again!