Teens Get a Bad Rap

“Teens get a bad rap,” my son’s doctor said to me recently during a routine appointment.

Varisa Perlman of Miami Beach Pediatrics should know. She’s been a pediatrician for decades and has recently sent one of her kids to college and is ushering another through their latter high school years.

“My kids are my residency,” she said. She applies those lessons learned to the dozens of teenagers, and their parents, that she sees every week.

Her comment piqued my interest and I prodded her on it as a means to find the glass half full. We talked about redeeming factors in modern teens: how they are so much more aware of the world, have endless information to help them make smarter choices, and have a deep sense and vocabulary for their emotions that “is inspiring.” I scheduled a follow-up call with her so I could dig deeper on the issue for this column.

The funny thing is that when we got on the phone a week later, the entire conversation turned out to be about the parents, not about the kids! A discussion actually more insightful than the checklist of “positives” I thought she was going to give me.

Perlman zeroed in on how our children leave us little breadcrumbs of information about themselves as they mature, and how easy it is to miss those clues in the busyness of life.

When they are toddlers we learn what frustrates our kids, how they learn and their rhythm of life. These are incredibly instructive times, Perlman notes, not throw-away years designed just for great photo ops and cuddly moments. The breadcrumb trail is beginning.

The physical work reduces for parents as children begin school and start to explore their role in society. Parents witness their kids’ full emotional makeup as they maneuver through new situations.

But when kids hit adolescence, every emotion in their lives can collide into what feels like new behavior. If as parents we are asleep at the wheel through the younger years, Perlman puts it bluntly: “We will get our asses handed to us.”

Our children spend a lifetime sharing with us who they are. Are we paying attention – not just listening, but putting patterns together?

When my children were younger, women would tell me they went back to work when their kids hit middle or high school because the kids didn’t need them as much. That is not my experience!

I find my teens need me far more than ever before – and not just for rides. When they are ready to talk, I need to be ready to listen. Our conversations become guardrails for their thinking, helping to keep them on track and guiding their moral compass. After all, friends will only tell your kids everything they do is amazing. Only the parent of a teen, not a best friend, can move in for a reality check that will set kids up to handle the really difficult situations that life will throw their way.

It’s tempting to check out along the way. Throw your hands up, walk away, leave them to their selfish ways. Perlman says she sees this a lot. It gets too hard. Parents don’t know what to do. They stop seeing joy in raising their kids. But she reminds us, “When you get to really know your kid, you know that everything you’re seeing in adolescence has always been there.”

One of my kids never stopped moving in my womb. So no surprise that today they have a hard time sitting still and get frustrated by things that can’t be done with the snap of a finger, and as a result is perhaps at times reckless about their space in the world.

Another child came out of the womb with just a sweet, quiet cry. Always seeking one solid friendship void of competition, this child avoids attention at all costs. So it’s no surprise this one doesn’t enjoy being center stage, finds school draining and dances with depression when things get overwhelming.

It was all there all along like foreshadowing in a book. This provides some kind of comfort that hormones aren’t to blame for everything! The good news is it’s never too late to follow those breadcrumbs.

Got a tough teen?

• Anchor yourself with wise adults who have already raised teens.
• Ask yourself, what about this pattern have I seen before and what does it tell me about my kids’ perspective on frustration, fear, joy.
• Seek help when you need it.

My husband and I have just begun this journey of maneuvering through teen years. We have a long way to go and we are not naïve to the challenges that could await us. But this much I can tell you: I take the good moments and revel in them. I know that in the next five minutes things could change dramatically, and that when they do, I’m going to tell myself that I’m not crazy and this is normal, and my attitude will influence the outcome.

Remember, getting your kid off to college in one piece isn’t the end goal. The goal is to shape kids who are empowered to transform the world – and a healthy parent-child relationship is a great place to help them get there.

When wearing her work hat, Lisa Mozloom is a media and presentation training coach and PR practitioner at The M Network, but at home she is a woman passionate about raising three teens, loving her husband, and finding ways to extend hospitality and hope to those around her.