Biscayne Crime Beat February Print
Written by Compiled by Derek McCann   
February 2020

policeman_stopDon’t Fall into This Trap

1 SE 1st Ave.

Thieves can look like perfectly normal folks. Their overall affect can even lull us into misguided complacency. In this incident, a man wearing generic brown shorts and a generic black visor and shoes entered a place of business and began to rummage through product shelves, placing body wash products in a small reusable bag (think he had environmental concerns?), then just walked out without paying. His total loot? Just $30.98.


That’s a Real Cargo Haul

3600 N. Miami Ave.

The officer arrived to the crime scene after the dirty deed was done. The manager had a story to tell and played the security video for him. It shows a clean-shaven man walking into the store shortly before 9:00 a.m., and then placing razors in his pockets. Lots of pockets The cargo pants were a big help. He left the store with a haul that came to an astounding $484.91. Guess he’ll really keep his face shaved now, not to mention his relatives’. How thoughtful of him.


This Is Becoming a Trend

200 Block of Biscayne Boulevard

You businesspeople needs to be aware of shoplifting trends. At this establishment, a customer made himself comfortable as he walked around the store. He filled a shopping basket with personal hygiene products and facial products, then just walked out of the store…with the full basket. There are no cashiers on the street, of course. His takeaway totaled $763. Who would have known that these products are such hot commodities? Cashiers, if you don’t pay attention to your “customers,” then it’s partly your fault.


Miami Is a Zoo Town, All Right

3400 N. Miami Ave.

At most bike stores, the customer wants to try out the product before buying it. This customer got on the bike he liked and started to ride it across the entire store. He then left the business and went on out into the street. He must have been testing it on outdoor conditions, or so the good-hearted employees thought, and he’d come right back. Hello? This is not Kansas! The little ingrate rode off with his new bike. We wonder how this does not happen every day. Stores are in need of some really need big burly guys to barricade their doors in the future. And screw being good-hearted idiots. In hot Miami you’ve got to be cold as ice. 


You Got It, Someone Wants It

Biscayne Boulevard and 68th Street

This is a part of Miami that has bounced back from where it was 20 years ago, with fewer pimps and prostitutes and street crime. So our victim parked her car on the street and went into her home. It is a well-lit street, and there seems to be some traffic to serve as a deterrent to criminal sleaze. Yet none of this stopped someone from breaking the rear window of her car and stealing a prominently placed Victoria’s Secret bag. Why would anyone leave anything of even nominal value on full display? Leave a pack of crappy 305 cigarettes on your seat and you can still expect to pay for a broken window.


In Need of a Charge

50 NE 79th St.

This business was closing for the day and an employee parked the company vehicle and locked up the place. When the same employee returned the next day at 7:00 a.m., he found the van’s hood was popped open and the driver’s side window smashed into pieces. Once inside the van, he found a hole where his car battery once lived. That hole, while representing a magic moment for the thief, was just a hole of gloom for the victim.


Read This and Learn

4200 Block of NE 2nd Avenue

In this column, we strive to keep our citizens informed while offering some education. Thus, the one about the dolt who parks his car in a lot used by an adjacent business. He goes in to use a bathroom in the building; yes, it’s helpful to know all the good local spots to get relief. But when he returns, his backpack from the front seat is gone. Turns out, this is what is known as “no forced entry,” a lesson for you dimwits: Always lock it up.


Not the Perp Walk We Wanted

100 block NE 40th Street

Like bike stores, most civilized clothing establishments allow their customers to try on apparel before committing to buying it. Two men walked in and didn’t wait for assistance. Nor did the salesperson honor the “sales” part of his title. He just went off to the back, likely counting the hours until Party Time. Well, the two perps walked out with jackets and into a waiting white Buick. A bystander tried to run after them (more superhero complex in evidence) but was unable to catch up to the criminal scum.


Welcome to Miami, a Crime Story in Every Family

500 Block of NE 66th Street

A couple of middle-aged New Yorkers got tired of their worn-down concrete jungle and came here to the sunshine. They were moving their stuff into their new tropical paradise apartment and placed a small suitcase in front of the gate to keep the door ajar. The trip up the stairs must have taken three minutes, an eternity in Miami scum-bucket time. The suitcase had nothing of value, save for copies of college degrees. The newcomers were completely taken back and wonder what other price they’ll pay for the beautiful weather. They’ll learn the rest of the story soon enough.


Victim, Interrupted

NE Miami Place and 62nd Street

Going for a walk in Miami can be pleasant, with those palm trees and that balmy weather; however, you probably should carry dollar bills to appease the locals. A shabbily dressed man approached our victim asking for a buck and was refused. He then asked to use the victim’s cell phone and was told the phone didn’t work. But the phone rang, much to the disgust of the vagrant, who then wrestled him to the ground and punched him several times, even pulling out a gun! He demanded and got the phone, but not the dollar. No arrests have been made. Has the Miami stroll become just another anachronism?


Creep Even Goes for the Pot

3400 Biscayne Blvd.

Not everyone in Miami has the brain power of a frozen iguana. Some do lock their vehicle doors and are careful not to put anything on display. Did not matter here. A creepazoid broke into the back window of the car and shattered the glass. He then removed all the contents, including a laptop bag with computer, and also some medical weed. No arrests and no recourse at all. Sometimes victims just lose. Maybe at least they can get high.


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