The Biscayne Times

Jul 08th
Biscayne Crime Beat June PDF Print E-mail
Written by Derek McCann, BT Contributor   
June 2020

policeman_stopPortrait of the Artist as Victim

700 Block of NE 79th Street

At this bar the patrons had the bonus option of getting portraits of themselves. The artist was doing one, taking extra time to make sure all of her subject’s features were drawn with care. She focused so intently, she neglected to watch over the fanny pack under her chair. It went missing, along with her wallet, keys, and a pistol. A pistol! Girl was making art with a big rod beneath her.


Something in the Air?

400 Block of Biscayne Boulevard

A female sap enjoying her vegetarian lunch was apparently overcome with the moment -- this is a Miami thing; before the ultra-hot weather hits, people sit back and drink in our rarified tropical air. Ah, but the rapture was such that she decided to get up to help herself to another cup of coffee, leaving her purse unattended. Hope she reads this. Sometimes people need to be scorned for the greater good. Sweetheart, that’s you.


It’s Not Just the Young Hoods Anymore

4700 NE 2nd Ave.

We’ve grown accustomed to stories about wayward youths who victimize us in different ways. But look who’s getting into the act these days! In this case, the well-to-dos were finishing up their meal when they got the urge for some post-meal carbon monoxide poisoning. They left their items at the table and stepped outside. Video surveillance would capture a couple sitting behind the victims, with one of them, a middle-aged white woman in a house dress. She’s seen taking a purse and walking out of the establishment. Guess it’s like taking the sugar packets, only at the next level. No arrests so far.


Cashed Out at the Dollar Store?

3 NE 54th St.

A man hailed a “Lyft” somehow -- he didn’t use the app, so we guess that’s just what he was told. He had the driver make a quick stop at the Family Dollar store and left his bag, with $2800 cash in it, in the car. He could buy the whole store with that kind of dough; think about the hot pockets and cheesy snacks, not to mention the paddle toys. After he made his purchase, he walked back to the car, but the driver began driving off. The man begged him to come back but got in reply the middle finger. Man was left with his lame dollar items sans $2800 in cash. With COVID mania, why would anyone carry around that diseased paper anyway?


Blink of an Eye

800 Biscayne Blvd.

Sometimes we can be too trusting -- or maybe just intellectually lazy. We’re always rushing to our next destination, thinking our mission is of vital national significance. So who has time for the 30 seconds or so it takes to lock up that bicycle? This person was way too rushed to concern herself with such mundanities. She parked her bike in front of CVS and went inside. She told the police what happened, with that “it wasn’t my fault!” viewpoint: “I was just going in for a minute, and I didn’t think anything of it.” One more person finds paradise isn’t all she thought it was.


The Passion (Pain) of the Cab Driver

1600 N. Bayshore Dr.

What’s more American working class than a cab driver? These folks are just trying to make an honest buck, they know the city’s every nook and cranny -- and they can be entertaining, to boot. This ride was long, and one would think a bit too expensive in lieu of a long train/bus ride. When the driver hit his destination, the passengers left the vehicle and they never went back to pay their fare, which was an unbelievable $166. What’s up with deadbeats like these, anyway?


Barefoot in the Park, Patsy

200 NE 62nd St.

While on a bench, this poor sap decided to take off his shoes. He placed his wallet inside one of the shoes and walked away. Yes, walking barefoot on grass can be a pleasurable experience. Not so much with concrete, dog piss, and glass. But that’s what this trouper did. As he walked away, he recalled for police, he thought he saw a man approaching his shoes. But, seriously, who is going to steal used shoes? This perp did and took off eastbound in a flash. With no shoes for support and urban hazards on the ground, the victim was unable to chase him. You’d leave your wallet in shoes? Like that’s a smart hiding place?


Scumbags on Skates

N. Miami Ave and NE 54th Street

Remember when roller derby was a thing? Athletes competing against each other with elaborate WWE-style storylines? This soon-to-be victim sat on the steps of a gas station convenience store and put two acoustic speakers on top of a trash bin. He then decided he needed to sort out his belongings. As he did so, a man on roller skates glided by and, in what must have been one incredibly graceful move, lifted the speakers and skated off. The victim told police he was stunned as this roller boy headed toward Biscayne Boulevard, holding two large speakers while keeping his balance. Crime yes, but not too shabby in the athletic department.


A Very Rare Recoup

5200 NE 2nd Ave.

As often happens, a man went into a retail store and started to stuff his basket with items. It wasn’t the store basket, though, but his large pants pockets. He picked out six pairs of socks and placed them in his pants. He walked to the front of the store, past the cash register, and made no attempt to pay. An employee went out to confront him. Now this usually doesn’t work out well; either there’s an insult or an assault, or the thug runs away. This thug still needs to work on his scumbag-iness. He gave the socks back to the clerk, and there was no further incident.


On Second Thought, I Am Getting Mine, Damn It

7200 Block of N. Miami Avenue

This person entered this gas station and grabbed a bunch of beer -- all told, two 12-packs of Corona and Heineken bottles. Both are great beer choices. I mean, why settle for a nasty can of Budweiser when you’re going to steal it? Apparently, the man tried to pay, but his card was rejected several times, so the clerk gave it back. The man left, forlorn. But after a few minutes and some careful contemplation, he came back, grabbed the beer, and walked out. He got in his car and drove off into the night.


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