The Biscayne Times

Aug 05th
Biscayne Crime Beat September PDF Print E-mail
Written by Derek McCann, BT Contributor   
September 2019

policeman_stopCan’t Lock That Stuff Up

3400 block N. Miami Avenue

A man parked his new bicycle at the bike rack. He made sure to use the new lock he’d just bought and for which he paid extra because his bike is one hip ride. He had a nice lunch and, in just under an hour, returned to fetch the bike and saw it was gone, with his fancy new lock hanging from the rail. A man said he saw someone walk up and cut the lock with a tool. The victim was given a case card, with the understanding he’ll never see his bike again. Maybe he can try a skateboard, which he can carry with him everywhere. Don’t worry if you’re over 40. It’s on trend.


Good Hearts Lead to Victimhood

1000 Block NW 1st Avenue

Our victim was walking to her car when she was approached by the classic Miami goon, asking to use her cell phone. She replied with a curt “no” and kept walking. The goon then said he was hungry, which must have pulled at her heart strings. She said she’d get him some food, though not sure where because there was nothing nearby. She left her purse where he was (!) and told the goon to watch. To the goon’s credit, he only took the cell phone and left the purse. Maybe he had his own bleeding heart and didn’t want to completely bum her out. Sorry, Miamians. Stay away from the goons.


Wear the Darn Purse!

601 Biscayne Blvd.

This woman was enjoying the Jennifer Lopez concert at the American Airlines Arena, and the beats got her tail moving, so she stood up and started dancing…but, of course, she left her purse lying on the chair behind her. She wasn’t worried, she said later, because everyone looked so regular. It got irregular when she got home and saw that her cash card and all her cash were gone. There are no suspects at this time, and we suggest she start shopping for one of those cross-body purses, you know, or a hefty man pouch.


You Think Your Life Sucks?

300 block of Biscayne Boulevard

Most of us come home from our dead-beat jobs, where we work eight hours with evil bosses and conniving coworkers. We curse our life’s trajectory as we crawl into bed in our messy rooms. This poor gentleman had his personal items and his backpack next to him as he slept on the street. He learned that the homeless steal from the homeless. There is no code. He lost all his belongings in this world, but you still have your lousy, soul-crushing job in your lousy apartment. At least your rent is paid.


On the Books for Entertainment Value?

5900 NE 2nd Ave.

At this Haitian restaurant, the customers were enjoying the delicious jerk chicken. But in walks a sloppily dressed man, wearing one pants leg. He moves up to the counter, removes a penny from the tip jar, and runs out of the place. Perhaps because it was a penny, no one chased after him. That penny required a police report -- we guess for possible insurance reimbursement.


In and Out, Clean Job of It

300 Block of NE 2nd Avenue

A man who was dressed in all yellow parked his bike in the back of a Miami-Dade College campus restaurant. He then made his way inside and grabbed an empty box. He calmly began loading the box with all sorts of food items. No one came to stop him, and he took his packed box outside and rode off with it on the bike. Very easy and quick. That man is developing a good criminal system.


Uber Hell

400 Block of NE 62th Street

Oh, that convenient Uber. Don’t you love the fact that you can dial a cab by pressing a button? Uber, some of whose drivers have been accused of assault, rape, murder, of being war criminals? Come on, Uber! Anyway, this client was dropped off at her location but left her phone inside. She screamed at the driver, “My phone!” He just looked at her and drove away. She tried reaching him on the Uber app, but her button pressing was ignored. No other information, but we hope she called the company to complain. That should bring some resolution at least?


Was This Pimp Helping Out the Ladies?

401 Biscayne Blvd.

This store manager called the police to make a report on a large theft. It seems that bikini panties were stolen -- in bulk -- from a section of the store. The total came to over $1000. Yes, that is indeed a lot of panties. When the cops arrived, they looked at the surveillance video and saw a large, hulking male, with a cane, grabbing up panties and placing them all in his bag. It’s not clear if he had a feathered pimp hat, too. But he did this while the store employees were completely oblivious, no doubt talking about their upcoming weekend plans. No arrests have been made as of press time.


Another Late-Night Bummer

100 NW 23rd St.

Oh, we do love to party in Miami. It’s what the rest of the country thinks we do all day, every day. This woman went to the 800 Lucky Star in Wynwood. She ordered lots of drinks and food, but when she went to pay, her wallet was missing. So were her car keys. The manager told her that pickpocketing is commonplace in his bar (hmm) but suggested she look around at other bars -- yes, one must suppose, to find a person she never saw and ask for the wallet back when she finds him. The sullen woman left knowing her party had come to an end, and had ended badly.


Rushing Causes Stress -- Try to Stay Serene When You Steal

100 Block of NE 2nd Avenue

Two men walked into this store and began to fill their shopping baskets with items. Not only that, they also had a large laundry bag, which they filled to the gills. They placed this loot into a shopping cart. And then they both calmly made their way out of the store to the parking lot, unloaded the shopping cart, and left in a waiting vehicle. This debacle took about 20 minutes, and both thugs looked to be completely at ease and content to take their time.


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