|Biscayne Crime Beat (March)|
COMPILED BY DEREK MCCANN
The Family That Steals Together, Stays Together4700 Block of Biscayne Boulevard
What better sight to see than a couple pushing a baby stroller, illustrating that cherished concept of family values? For some reason, the building they tried to enter was locked, so they patiently waited for someone to come out, thereby granting them access. The father led the way, trying to open locked doors, until he found one that was open. He then began stealing items, placing them inside the stroller. (Where else?) The family exited the building. Although no arrests have been made, there is video of the incident, which will be great for future family viewing in prison.
Shortsighted Thieves Won’t Last Long500 Block of NE 15th Street
With the future value of the dollar a mystery, some conspiracy theorists have suggested that everyday items will become exceedingly valuable, as people begin trading them for life essentials. That thought might make this victim feel better. A man returned home to find his house burglarized. Missing items included a sports championship ring, three mobile phones, a laundry card, and cash (soon to be useless). What had the thieves left behind? A comb. Sure, it may not seem very important now, but just wait, my friends. That comb might save your life.
Another Horn Dog Gets Rolled900 Block of Biscayne Boulevard
Oh, the male libido. This Casanova went to a bar and picked up two ladies. (This seems to happen every month.) Mr. Stud brought them back to his apartment and did what many in his position would do. He immediately fell asleep after the act. Apparently, he is not the cuddling or talking type. When he woke up, several items, including expensive watches, were gone from his room. Yes, ladies are beginning to sense that there are opportunities available to them, beyond the usual wham, bam, thank you, ma’am. And it seems so easy: Men keep wanting, and women keep taking.
A Minty Fresh Crime700 Block of NE 2nd Avenue
Woman was in a nightclub and decided to pass out mints. She wanted to rid the club of the scourge of halitosis, perhaps because she was in close proximity to several dancing drunks. For reasons unknown, she put her purse down as she made her rounds. Naturally, someone took her purse. (Maybe they were looking for more mints?) Though the purse was recovered at the bar, its contents were missing. So we have another Miami example of someone reaching out to the community, only to be taken advantage of by her fellow citizens. Social workers can identify.
Deferred Auto Maintenance Results in ArrestNE 4th Avenue and NE 6th Street
Police trailed a car that had one taillight out. After pulling over the driver, police observed a strong odor of marijuana coming from the car. When the police asked the driver if he had been puffing the magic dragon, the man admitted he had, but said it had been a while ago. It was then that the officer noticed a bud in plain view. The man’s defense was that it was from “earlier in the day” and begged not to be arrested. That little bud cost him a night in jail, a criminal record, and the obligatory mug shot on mugshots.com. It’s still the case that officers will ruin your life for the green. Next time, fix that taillight.
Hulk Hogan Still Hanging Around Miami100 Block of NE 54th Street
Man walked into Walgreens and began placing items into a bag. He made no attempt to pay as he passed the cash registers. Employees confronted him at the exit. The man, for reasons not immediately known, took off his shirt and said, “We are going to fight. If I win, I keep the items.” Guess this was an impromptu match he had already planned in his mind and needed to look the part by baring his chest. He immediately struck one of the employees and then took flight, which, technically, would be considered a count-out in wrestling, resulting in his being disqualified. No arrests have been made.
Human Decency Takes Another Beating400 Block of Biscayne Boulevard
Man sat on a bus bench with his suitcase at his side. Another man fell in front of him, seemingly in a state of cardiac arrest. The man on the bus bench proceeded to help the man to his feet, at which point the heart attack victim pushed him to the ground, kicked him in the left leg, and took his phone and wallet. He also stole the suitcase. The victim, who had recently had hip surgery, could not give chase. Once again, this episode illustrates that, in Miami, the act of helping others is no longer possible. If you see someone needing aid, just run away (if you can).
Job Opening, Must Pass Background Check1700 N. Bayshore Dr.
Times are tough and maybe your résumé is not the strongest, so you apply for a job as a front-desk security guard in a residential building. You get the job. What’s one thing you probably shouldn’t do? How about this: A brand-new laptop, purchased by one the building’s residents, was delivered to the building. Because the resident was not home at the time, the aforementioned security guard signed for the laptop. But when the resident came to claim it, there was no trace of the laptop, save for an empty box left in a garbage can outside the building. Police asked the security guard if a certain car in the parking lot belonged to him. He said no. Police ran a check and confirmed it was his. Once challenged, the security guard admitted that, yes, the laptop was in his car. He was arrested and fired. Or fired, then arrested. We’re not sure.
Intruder Leaves Paper Trail700 Block NE 82nd Terrace
Victim just finished taking a shower. Exiting the shower, he found his computer desk ransacked, with papers strewn everywhere. Video surveillance revealed a man had entered the home and gone through victim’s papers. This mystery man also ransacked the victim’s car. Nothing was stolen, but the paper ruffling remains a bit of a mystery. Was it a jealous ex-lover, or maybe someone looking for unredeemed lottery tickets? Stay tuned for the next installment of Crime Beat.
Volume 14, Issue 6, August 2016
The Wolfsonian-FIU tackles the power of the vote
Sales, special events, and more from the people who make Biscayne Times possible